Dear Management,

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Yours truly,

Penis

***********

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts before you have completed the day's work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,

The Management

You Know You're In Trouble When...

... Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
... Your suggestion box starts ticking.
... Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
... The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
... People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
... You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
... The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
... You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

And your cry baby whiny assed opinion would be.....?

Do I look like a fucking people person?

This isn't an office, it's hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Sarcasm is just one of the services we offer.

If I throw a stick will you leave??

YOU!.... Off my planet!

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

The bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made, others will be blamed.

Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.

A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.

Whatever look you were going for, you missed.

Well, this day was a total waste of make-up .

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Are these your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage.

I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.

I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

Not all men are annoying, some are dead.

Did I mention that kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

It's not the size that coun... no wait, it's the size!

A woman's favorite position is CEO

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Okay, Okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

Too many freaks not enough circuses.

Macho law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

And which dwarf are you?

How do I set the laser printer to stun?

In France, a "French" kiss is known as an "English" kiss.

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead
of his tongue.
-Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful.
-Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they
went.
-Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can
spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever
made.
-M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people,
who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
-Sigmund Freud

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down.
-Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap! tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back
from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half
a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your
pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I
am.